+missing james+ :c -=i'll see you at the crossroads=-

It has been a long time since I last saw him- since I was last with him. It was the first day of classes and I couldn’t help but wonder what university he went to, what course he was going to take, if he had a new girlfriend. When I was walking down the hall to sign up for an org, I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was none other than the love of my life - signing up for the same org as I was about to sign up for! I rushed to the booth but when I got there, he had already left. I was devastated but then again, I was happy. At least I knew where he was and he looked ok. After a week or so, the assistant of the dean came to room 413 [my classroom for math class] and looked for me. I got scared because I was I afraid that I violated the school rules this early! I was so used to getting in trouble in high school that if that happened, I would even bow to my classmates. But this time, I was scared because I promised myself that I would at least try to be a better student. Luckily, she told me that I didn’t do anything wrong.. it was just that I was assigned to a different class due to the extra subjects that I wanted to take. I bid my farewell to my friends and followed Mrs. Hernandez to my permanent class. When I got there, the Biology teacher was talking to them already. So he just made me sit in the front row. I wasn’t able to get a view of the class, which I thought was good because I was too embarrassed coming in this late. After a while, it was time to elect the officers of the class. Then when the position of secretary was open for nominations, to my surprise, someone nominated me! I was shocked to hear my name because I wasn’t introduced to the class. My initial reaction was “hey come on! Cut me some slack! I barely know you.. I just got here!” the teacher, along with the students laughed their heads off because of the way I reacted. Then I found out that James [not his real name]- the love of my life was the one who nominated me. I was like “omg! Omg! Omg! I can’t believe that we’re in the same school.. in the same classes! Im sooo glad you’re here!” but of course I couldn’t say that aloud.. anyway.. to cut the story short, we were classmates, org mates, lab partners, study partners, lunch partners, lovers, partners in crime.. oh wait, did I just say lovers? Hahaha.. yep! We were.. not exactly the having sex and shit type but we were together. Then came the lowest point of his life.. his mother died. I tried to cheer him up, make him feel better. I tried to make him happy. I did the best I can to comfort him and just be there for him. And somehow, it helped because after a week or so, he was back on his feet - his usual cheerful self. When we were studying for finals in his pad in front of school, we decided not to talk and not to fool around. We really needed good grades. We were both running for dean’s list so we promised ourselves that we had to study. Then I looked up, having finished my reading and outlining and note-taking, to see that several hours had passed. James had reached a conclusion some time ago and was playing Ragnarok [eewww. Relationships break coz of this! Hahahac=] on his computer. I put my book down and moved over to him, wrapping my arms around him. "So, now what?" I asked. He shrugged. "I dunno. We've got a few hours. I'm sure there's something we could do."

It was late enough that we felt a little hungry, so we decided to go for our evening meal. When we returned, we still didn't have any real idea of how to pass the time. A messy condo unit is not the best place to entertain guests. He slumped on the bed, feeling at loose ends. I sat down on his lap. It was a slightly lopsided fit, but he wrapped his arms around me without complaint. I rested my head on top of his.

I smiled at him. "You're my hero.", I said. I had no idea what I meant by that, but I really did mean it.

We hugged each other for a while, sitting there soaking up each other's presence. No other boyfriend of mine had made such a big deal of simply hugging me. Hugs had been rare in my lifetime. I knew the same was true for him. He was very sensitive to the tactile; touch and sound were just as important to him as sight, a rarity in today's visually-oriented world. He could see just fine, and he had his music to protect him, but who gave him hugs? Nobody, save his few fruitless relationships, and now me. So I hugged him, and felt happy and protected in his arms. He then looked at me. "Well... Now what?" "I dunno, what do you want to do?" I asked. I felt hesitant of making a decision for some reason. "I just want to hug you," he said. "Does that mean you aren’t going to drive me home anymore? i gotta call my driver na” I said jokingly. He shook his head. "It's not exclusionary. I'm okay with anything, but if there's one thing I definitely want to do, it's hold you for a while." We went to the terrace to look at the city and it’s lights. His arms were wrapped around my waist, and I put my arm atop it. We stayed that way for a few minutes or so and then I wondered why we had gotten so solemn. The reason came to me in only second’s time.
"I'm sad," I said. “hmm?” was his only reply. "Because it has to end soon. Because I'll have to go to Australia and the weekend will be over and we won't get another chance like this for... maybe forever. I mean, we'll meet up before I leave and all but... It'll be different. It won't be the same. It'll be in one of our houses and we'll have to worry about sisters and parents and-- ...It'll just be different." He drew himself closer to me, comforting me with his presence. "I mean... You know? It'll be sad," I said. "Because it won't be the same." "Maybe it'll be better, more fun. We might be happier" he offered. I dunno," I said. "Everything just looks so bleak from here."

I could not put it in words, I wasn't even sure if I understood why I felt so bad. But I thought it had something to do with the final’s week itself. The last semester had been heaven: I had found my love again, and I had spent all my time with someone who was increasingly beginning to look like the man of my dreams--sensitive and rational and wise and not afraid to be different. He would open doors for me and be just as comfortable if I opened them for him. There was not a lot more I could ask for. And this weekend had been filled with the wonder of rediscovering it all, like his smile, his eyes, the innate gentleness of his hands. I took one of those hands in mine now, turning it over in front of my eyes, kissing the palm. He had a large hand, but not disproportionately so, with long capable fingers. He had played piano for several years; he had taken karate lessons for far longer. Either seemed appropriate for his hands.

I had discovered, rediscovered, this man over the course of our days together. I had fallen in love with him all over again. For a short time, I had had him all to myself. And now, that time was coming to an end. What was I so afraid of? Did I think he would find someone else? That was unlikely. I had loved James with all my heart, and I know he did too. But I also knew he was the charmer type. Most of the girls in school had thrown themselves at his feet and begged him to notice them. Beneath the surface, he was one of the most interesting people I ever met, if not the most. He was quiet and reserved in public. Before anyone gets to know you, you have to look interesting, and that was something James was good at doing. He had tried to explain why he was like that but I was only saddened because of the fact that I’m going to be replaced by a popular girl, a cheerleader, pretty soon. Was it because I thought he would lose interest in me? That too was doubtful. By his own admission, he had been in love with me for basically as long as he had known me, which was almost forever. Now he had me. He wouldn't abandon me any time soon. Unless I had read him completely wrong. He wasn't one of those assholes, was he? It would be hard to find out, since I had been his first serious girlfriend. I'd just have to wait and see.

But I seriously doubted it. Humor was in his nature, but dishonesty and frivolity were not. He took his friends and his loved ones seriously. Was it, then, simply because our time together was coming to an end? Had he truly become such an integral part of my heart? We would only be busy for a week, and surely there would be time for phone calls, for e-mails, maybe even for short visits to re-enact the events of this time in frantic abandon. Surely he had become so important to me that I felt that it was the end of an era, one I would miss when it was gone. An era of light, of carefree happiness, of freedom. We could probably never be this unrestrained again--at least, not for a long time. And that was cause to mourn.

I sighed, turned over in his arms, clung to him. "Hold me. I feel cold." He did. And when I cried--just a little--he kissed the tears from my face. "Feeling better now?" he asked when I had finished. "Yeah," I said. "Kinda. I just... I dunno." "Well, neither do I, but... It seems kind of pointless to be sad right now. We still have some time together. We should just... Enjoy having each other." We just stood there - in each other’s arms. Slowly, the fact that this was all about to end began to sink in. I began to cry and just told him that he meant the world to me. His exact words were “you don’t just mean the world to me. YOU are the world to me.” He continued “ Every moment I spend with you is worth remembering. Each time I am with you, I feel happy and content. I will never forget you, nor replace you. you may be far away from me but hey, we’re still under the same sky. Everything will be alright. When you get back, I’ll be working, and so will you. you’ll have to marry me though because I can’t imagine myself having a wife other than you. I love you.” I was crying even harder now because of all the things he said. It was so hard to believe but still, I was happy. He was truly the prince charming i was looking for. It’s as if MY fairytale just came true.

That was the last night that we were together before the finals. Of course we still had talks, he came over and we still spent some quality time together. Then it was time to go to Australia. He bid me goodbye over the cellphone - crying. He had no strength to bring me to the airport because we both know that if he was there, I wouldn’t leave and he wouldn’t let me leave.

I spent almost three months in Australia, with the thought of him crossing my mind at times. But I was beginning to move on.. trying to forget. Because I was sure that when I come back, I won’t have him anymore. by then, i may have been replaced by a CHEERLEADER. then just before Christmas, he called me and asked me to come back. “I miss you too much. I can’t wait to spend Christmas with you. Dad says you can stay over. It’ll be our most unforgettable Christmas. I assure you.”

He was right. It was by far the most unforgettable Christmas ever.

I came out of the airport running toward the gates to see if he was already there. I saw his brother martin, [not his real name] waving at me. I went running toward him. I was so excited! He just gave me a weak smile. I asked him what was wrong and he just shrugged. Off we drove. It seemed as if we had been driving for hours. Then I noticed that we weren’t going to the direction of their house. I said “marts, where are we going?” he didn’t answer. He just kept on driving. Then we parked at the side of the church. I was wondering why he brought me there. Wondering if James was there, ready to marry me. “hey! I can’t marry your brother yet! I’m under age!” I told marts with a hearty laugh. But when we entered the church, I realized, it wasn’t a wedding. It was a wake. I was wondering whose wake it was. it couldn't be their mother's, she passed away a couple of months ago. i was hoping that it wasn't their father - they would be orphans. Then a terrible thought began to sink in. I hoped and prayed that it wasn’t my love lying in that deathbed. I then approached the first row of seats and saw James’ dad. He hugged me tightly and said "things happen for a reason. that's the way life goes." I was in shock. I didn’t know who died, I didn’t want to know. then he continued "i know James loved you. and im sure he still does." i was in shock, still hoping and praying that it wasn't James that i'd see. Then I approached the coffin, saw my baby - the love of my life lying there. Then everything just came to me. It all sank in. I cried my heart out. Everyone was comforting me, trying to make me feel better. I was mad, borrowed martin’s car and drove off. I was in so much pain. I got mad at God for doing this to me - doing this to him, considering that I’m a great believer. I calmed down and the tears subsided. I went back to the church to stay beside my love. I asked his father calmly what had happened. Then he said that James’ was in a gang fight, not because he was part of the frat, but he was just saving a friend’s life. Sad to say, he was the one who got hurt. The friend he saved killed himself too because of guilt. I was so sad, at the same time so proud of him. I’m sure his kindness will pay off good when he reaches heaven’s gate.

I’ve already moved on because my life will not progress if I just keep on mourning. He sometimes crosses my mind and he leaves a smile on my face because of all the happy memories we spent together. I talk to him often. Telling him to guide me in everything that I do. Once I dreamt of him. He told me he is giving me permission to love again. All he wants is my happiness. I woke up crying.

I miss you James, wherever you are now. You will always be a part of me, like I was a part of you. thank you for all those good times we had. all those memories that time can never take away from me. memories - that's all i have left of you. I learned a lot from you and I’m sure others did too. Guide us all and let us be more like you - honest, caring, loving, a loyal friend, and OUR HERO. I was right when I said you were my hero, huh? we all love you sweetie. i'll see you at the crossroads. wait for me. -=love, valerie=-



may 8, 2003 - 11:00pm

still missing you.. i cant wait till the day i see you again. sometimes, i just wanna die so that we can be together.. so that our fairytale can go na.. i miss having you around.. bringing me to simple places that i havent been to yet, bringing me dinner - coz you know its always fried chicken at home, for bringing me to ek when i wanted to go- even if we both had to cut class and for all those dear old memories that are with me.. and will still be till i breathe my last breath. i love you - i always will.. no1 will ever replace you in my heart.. people may come and go.. but you - your memory will always be with me..